"Jarrod Dyson is my boyfriend and Brandon Finnigan is my boyfriend but Sean Doolittle isn’t my boyfriend because he’s not like the other two."
"What if the Kansas City Royals and Oakland Athletics Wild Card game goes on for two more hours!?"
"Brandon Moss is a public enemy, so don’t follow him anywhere or anything."
"Not a lot of people are probably going to donate to Stephen Tully Dierks’ next Pop Serial Kickstarter now."
If the St. Louis Cardinals don’t win the World Series this is what Baby Marie-Antoinette is going to do:
"If you see Drake crying outside of a Midtown subway entrance what are you supposed to do?"