Old Gus Eats
Once a festively depressing Thursday night Baby Alexander’s mommy, Olympias of Epirus, read him Old Gus Eats, Polly Duff Bresnick’s translations of stanzas 14-23 of The Odyssey. Here is Baby Alexander’s essay on the poems.
Baby Alexander believes that AOL is the star of this chapbook. It appears not one, not two, but three times.
The first AOL appears is as an evil vocoder named “Pepsi AOL.” Baby Alexander demanded his mommy to look up what “vocoder” meant, and because his mommy didn’t want to have what happened to the Persian king (i.e death) she did.
A “vocoder” is “a synthesizer that produces sounds from an analysis of speech input.”
"Oh," gasped Baby Alexander. "Pepsi and AOL are collaborating. But that’s not evil. Pepsi certainly isn’t evil. Lana Del Rey’s pussy tastes like it and Lana Del Rey is marvelously moody. AOL can’t be evil either since its one of the central components of You’ve Got Mail, an epic romance fable that is one of the best non-Disney cinematic artworks ever.”
Next, AOL runs away with a “sax-pudding tampon.” Baby Alexander is ashamed of AOL. Baby Alexander links tampon to “tans,” which he hates because it involves the sun, and to salons, which he hates because it involves gay immigrants touching your hair. As for “sax-pudding,” Baby Alexander would rather gobble vanilla pudding or, better yet, butterscotch pudding. So, sax-pudding tampon is a contemptible mate.
In AOL’s final appearances, telly waves pay tribute it it by doing an “AOL dance.” An AOL dance is a splendid sight. It involves marvelous mythological creatures, like the cast of You’ve Got Mail, which includes Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Greg Kinnear, and so much more.
Besides AOL, there’s “tuna man-noodles,” a “vampire bulldozer,” and “Kellogg bones.” Out of these three things, Baby Alexander wants Kellogg bones the most, since Kellogg’s manufactures Frosted Flakes, a sugary crunchy cereal.