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The baby despots are: Baby Adolf * Baby Marie-Antoinette * Baby Jong-il * Baby Uday & Qusay * Baby George III * Baby Idi * Baby Joseph * Baby Mary I * Baby Alexander * Baby Napoleon.
The Book of Frank

Once upon a time Baby Marie-Antoinette’s mommy read her CAConrad’s award-winner collection of poems, The Book of Frank. Since the book is divided into three parts it took Baby Marie-Antoinette’s mommy three nights to read it to her. All three nights were, obviously, cuttingly depressing.

In part one, Frank’s daddy is mad because a stork delivered him a boy (i.e. Frank) instead of a girl. Frank’s daddy’s anger is absolutely understandable. Girls are much greater than boys. Girls can wear hair bows, knee-length skirts, and dress like Disney princesses. Also, Baby Marie-Antoinette is a girl, and Baby Marie-Antoinette is so glamorous that Kirsten Dunst will eventually play her in a movie.


Near the conclusion of part one, Frank’s mommy dies. Death is sad. When someone dies they go to a different place and you can’t share a slice of pink cake with them until you go to that different place too. The death of his mommy brings Frank to a bursting point. Sometimes, Baby Marie-Antoinette feels like exploding, but she doesn’t wish to discuss that now.

In part two, Frank rides in a truck, encounters a room brimming with “lesbian ventriloquists,” and handles his teapot’s request for eyes. Baby Marie-Antoinette likes trucks. They’re big and powerful. You can run over lesbians in them. Lesbians aren’t big and powerful. They’re mean. They try and murder admirable art boys. Also, lesbians aren’t teapots either. Teapots belong in magical Disney movies. Lesbians belong behind bars.


Part three has Frank playing “chicken” with a freight train. Frank loses, which means he dies. But he rejoins earth as a fancy-tailed goldfish. Baby Marie-Antoinette wouldn’t mind dying. Fact is, she’d prefer to part ways with a world that’s teeming with gays, straights, bisexuals, and, of course, lesbians. But Baby Marie-Antoinette doesn’t want to have to come back to earth. She’ll opt to stay in heaven forever. 

Black Bow Tie